MY BROTHER...DAVE

It’s been nearly 2 weeks since the passing of my big brother, Dave. People who know me well…know that I am an emotional guy. I can cry at movies…I can cry at TV shows…I can cry at commercials…I cry when reading sad stories…I cry when my wife and daughters cry. I’m not afraid, or ashamed, to let my feelings show. But I’ve cried very little over Dave’s death. I’ve even surprised myself a little bit by that.

I think I haven’t cried a lot…unlike the deaths of other family members…because I have come to grips with Dave’s passing. I have come to grips because I saw…first-hand… how Dave struggled his last few months, weeks and…specifically…days of his life. I watched a struggle that you would not want for a loved one. If passing to the next life was the alternative to staying here and continuing to struggle…then I gladly let him go to the next life. Because of that…I am at peace with Dave’s passing. Oh…don’t get me wrong…I’m very sad that he’s gone. I will miss him very much, and there will be times the tears flow…but I know that he is no longer in pain, and for that…I’m happy.

My mind goes back to when this started…less than 6 months ago.

During the last weekend in October, 2011…Cindy and I traveled to Cincinnati with two of our daughters, their husbands and our 3 grandchildren. It was a weekend getaway for some family fun. While relaxing in our hotel room that first night, I got a text from Dave…“Are you home?” I texted back, ‘No…we’re in Cincinnati. Whats up?” He responded, “Oh nothing, just text me when you get home.” I texted, “Okay…but is it something we need to talk about now?” “No” was the reply.

We remained in Cincinnati for a fun weekend with the kids and grandkids.

Sunday afternoon…after the drive home from Cincinnati was almost over…not 15 minutes from home…Cindy got the text message from Dave this time. “I’m a bad liar…there is something wrong…text me when you get home.” Cindy texted we’d be there in 15 minutes and Dan would be in touch.

I was expecting bad news. I just wasn’t expecting ‘THE’ bad news he was about to tell me.

Dave started by saying he had recently been having some ‘balance’ issues…like he was ‘seasick’. Having been in the Navy for 20 years, Dave would know seasickness if anyone did. Dave also said he had lost his appetite because of the equilibrium problems, and thus he’d lost some weight.

After putting up with this feeling for some time, and it not getting any better, Dave had called his doctor to make an appointment. His doctor ordered a chest x-ray, and the image showed a mass in Dave’s lung that looked suspicious. The doctor ordered more specific tests of Dave’s chest and head and found a mass on his adrenal glands and 4 masses of various sizes in his brain.

After nearly 50 years of cigarette smoking, it wasn’t difficult to figure out the likelihood of Dave’s diagnosis. They would need to do some specific tests to verify their fears…but it was very likely that Dave had lung cancer with spread to his adrenal glands and brain. 

It was lousy news for me to hear…and it was lousy news that Dave was burdened to share with me. We both cried. We cried just like we had done 15 months earlier…when ‘I’ was the caller…to tell Dave that I had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Dave’s initial response to me then was what I expected him to say.

“Well shit.”

The difference was…they caught my cancer early…and I had an excellent prognosis for recovery. They caught Dave’s cancer late…Stage IV (4)…and his chances for recovery was very poor. In fact…he wasn’t going to recover. He was going to die.

Dave’s initial treatment was to have radiation to his head. This was an attempt to shrink the size of the tumors in his brain. That, in turn, should relieve the pressure causing Dave’s imbalance and seasickness feeling. Once that was done, the plan was to begin chemotherapy to attack the tumors on his adrenal glands and in his lung. The therapy wouldn’t save Dave’s life…it would NOT cure him…but it would hopefully give him some more time. The radiation was done daily over a 3 week time period beginning in mid November and ended just after Thanksgiving.

During that time, I got in contact with our nephew Kim. Dave and Kim had always been close. Dave served as…sorta…Kim’s big brother that he never had. Kim and I too…are close. When I called Kim to tell him I was thinking of flying out to visit with Dave for a few days, Kim said he’d been thinking the same thing. So...in early December…Kim and I met at the Indianapolis airport…and flew to California to spend some time with Dave.

Dave was not well. His hair had fallen out as a result of the radiation. He had some memory loss that made him have to think extra hard to answer our questions and carry on a conversation. And Dave had developed a thrush…an infection in the mouth and throat that required him to take some antibiotics to treat. Dave wasn’t up for much excitement…but Kim and I hadn’t traveled there to be entertained…rather to be of whatever help we could be. We talked when Dave was awake and willing to visit…and we stayed quiet when he needed to rest. We enjoyed a few mornings out to a local restaurant for breakfast…and we found a good burger joint one evening to share big, fat greasy burgers, fries and a milkshake. We laughed some. We shared stories of the past. It was a good visit…that ended with the promise that it wouldn’t be the last one.

The radiation to Dave’s brain…even with the expected side effects…proved successful. The tumors in Dave’s brain shrunk in size. Unfortunately, it would prove to be Dave’s last therapy treatment.

After Dave got his thrush under control, there seemed to be one issue after another that kept anything positive from happening. Dave’s cough became more frequent, which kept him from sleeping well and strengthening his body. A lung fungus was found near his tumor site that baffled the doctors for over a month and was treated with more antibiotics.

With infections seemingly unwilling to leave Dave’s body…the chemo treatments couldn’t get started. Infections must be cleared and the antibiotics out of the body, so the immune system can help us fight the toxicity of the chemo drugs. That time for Dave…never came.

Food continued to lose its appeal, probably due in part to the radiation which likely damaged Dave’s taste buds. Food looked good and smelled good, but when it came time to eat…it lost all of its appeal. Dave tried…but he just couldn’t MAKE himself eat. He ate when he wanted…what he wanted…and all he wanted. But when he was done…he was done.

One day in late March…Cindy got a Facetime call from Dave. Dave had just got an iPad3 and was trying the new feature that allowed him to talk and be seen on his iPad…while Cindy was talking and being seen on her iPhone. Cindy mentioned that I had been talking about coming out to see Dave again and asked him if that was okay. Dave said it sounded good. When I talked to Dave later that night, he said he thought I should come out soon, and to bring Cindy too.

The timing was perfect, as the next week was Spring Break week. We found some flights and Cindy & I flew out on Tuesday and stayed through Friday. Dave wasn’t feeling well, but he tolerated our visit, was glad to see us, and did some sightseeing with us. It was a wonderful time to have Cindy with me. Dave loved Cindy, and she him.

Two weeks later, Dave developed pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital on a Sunday. I flew out Tuesday morning and my sister Jean, and niece Angie, flew out on Wednesday. I had the chance to stay the night in the hospital with Dave Tuesday night. It was exhausting, as he slept very little and needed attention frequently. But it was a wonderful opportunity for me to care for Dave.

During our private time over the next few days, I asked Dave what I could do best for him. “Get me home” was his reply. And that became my goal. I knew in my heart, there wasn’t much time left for Dave. On Friday…we got Dave out of the hospital and to his home. Goal accomplished. On Sunday morning…April 15, 2012…Dave died.

I was sad…that Dave was gone…that I wouldn’t hear that voice…and get those messages from him again. But I was relieved that there was no more pain and no more struggling for Dave. He was peacefully resting…and I gained comfort in that knowledge.

The following Saturday…we held Dave’s funeral...back in his home town…Owensville, Indiana…the town where Dave was born…and raised…where he had his roots…where he was most comfortable…and where he wanted to return for his last days.

I took the opportunity to speak at Dave’s funeral and I shared with those there…of the influence of Dave on my life. I reminisced of how Dave helped me learn how to ride a bike…how he helped me play basketball on the goal nailed to the back of our garage (that goal is still there 50 years later)…how he and I used to throw walnuts down by the ditch near our house…and how we used to listen to music on the old radio in the kitchen, that developed my love for rock ‘n’ roll music the remainder of my life. Dave had an influence that helped me become who I am today.

Dave’s high school class of 1962 will celebrate their 50^th reunion next month. Dave was looking forward to being a part of that celebration with his old friends. I’m comforted in knowing…after speaking to a few of his classmates…that…though he won’t be there in person…he will be there…and be recognized for his contributions…in spirit.

These 6 months have passed by too quickly. There were moments of sadness… moments of laughter…moments of reminiscing…and moments of love. At the end…I had the opportunity…to help my brother…to tell him I loved him…and hear him tell me he loved me. I was able, in a small way, to repay him at the end of his life, for what he had done for me at the start of mine. It was a painfully beautiful time.

Dave is now at peace. And so am I.

Dan