VIVIAN

Cindy & I have seen comedian Bill Cosby twice. Both times he was entertaining at Purdue's Hall of Music for Purdue's homecoming weekend. The first time was shortly after we moved to Lafayette...35+ years ago. The last time was probably 20 years ago after the release of the album...'Himself'.

One of the stories Cosby told that night...was about a trip he had taken...and a little boy that sat near him...named JEFFREY. Bill knew his name was Jeffrey...because Jeffrey told everyone that would listen that his name was..."JEFFREY...and I'm FREEEE years old"...as he held up 3 stubby little fingers.

Jeffrey was a handful for his mother. No one rested on the flight as all they heard was Jeffrey...and Jeffrey's mother saying..."Jeffrey stop that"..."Jeffrey don't do that"..."Jeffrey don't you dare". When she first sat down with Jeffrey...her hair was neatly combed and her clothes in order. By the end of the flight...her hair was hanging in her face...her clothes were knotted and twisted as she wrestled with little Jeffrey. Not until the last few minutes of the flight...did Jeffery settle down and eventually fall asleep. As they exited the plane...all the passengers enjoyed walking past Jeffery to wake him up...as his body jerked and twisted...as a child does when he's on that verge of trying to stay awake and fall asleep...and they would giggle that sinful laugh as he twitched...and whined.

Well...on my flight home from California last night...specifically...the leg from Salt Lake City to Indianapolis...I didn't have Jeffrey sitting behind me...but I did have...VIVIAN !

Vivian was probably 2...maybe 2 1/2. Now, Vivian only said a few words that made the hair on my neck stand up...and my head hurt...and that was NO!...and MORE CANDY! But that was enough...because she said it loud enough for the pilots to hear from their seats in the cockpit.

But not only was Vivian a little challenging...but Vivian's daddy had a voice whose normal audible volume was about a 7 on a scale of 10. There was no 'inside voice' in this man. So I learned Vivian's name...not from Vivian...but from her daddy.

NOW VIVIAN...YOU HAVE TO STAY SEATED...WITH YOUR SEATBELT ON. VIVIAN...YOU CAN'T STAND UP BECAUSE THE PILOT WILL BE ANGRY. VIVIAN...YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE CANDY UNTIL THE PLANE TAKES OFF.

(Now insert a 2 1/2 year old scream here saying...MORE CANDY!!)

OKAY VIVIAN...YOU CAN HAVE 1 PIECE OF CANDY BUT CHEW IT SLOWLY...BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE UNTIL WE TAKE OFF. VIVIAN...WHEN WE GET UP IN THE AIR...WE CAN WATCH A MOVIE ON YOUR MOVIE PLAYER. VIVIAN...DO YOU WANT TO WATCH CINDERELLA...OR TOY STORY? NO VIVIAN...WE CAN'T TURN THE MOVIE PLAYER ON UNTIL WE TAKE OFF BECAUSE THEY SAID WE HAVE TO KEEP ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES TURNED OFF UNTIL THE PILOT SAYS WE CAN TURN THEM ON.

Now mind you...this was approaching 10pm. Candy should not be on ANY child's list of things to have at that hour. They should have been feeding her carrots...or apple slices...something good for her...with a little less sugar. However...that candy was apparently good for her bowels...because she expelled them about 2/3 of the way through the flight...leaving quite an aroma for all of us to enjoy until dad took her back to the potty to change her diaper.

Unfortunately...Vivian was still awake when we landed...because I think everyone on the plane would have enjoyed waking Vivian...to tell her good bye!

The little brat. I bet a dollar that she was asleep in her car seat before dad got out of the airport parking lot.


Dan