DECISIONS

 

Girls

50 years ago today, my mom died. I had just turned 18 years old, in another 6 weeks mom would have turned 60. I made a selfish decision a few days before her death that I have thought about for 50 years. 

Cindy and I had had our first date just the week before, on January 15^th. Before heading home after our date, I asked Cindy if she’d like to go out again the next weekend, on January 21^st, and she said, “sure.” 

A few days after that first date, dad said Jean had called him to say my mom was in her last days. (She had been diagnosed with advancing breast cancer and it was taking its’ toll quickly.) Dad told me he was going to fly to Atlanta to be with mom and Jean and asked if I wanted to go. Two things quickly popped into my head. One, if I went, I would not be able to go on my date with Cindy, which I really wanted to do. Two, I didn’t want to remember mom as how I was going to see her in her last days. I told dad I did not want to go. (I had done the same thing when my brother Durward was killed in a car accident a few years earlier. In some private family time prior to his funeral, we were going to be allowed to open the casket to see Durward. Afterwards, his funeral was going to be a closed casket ceremony at dads’ request. Dad, mom, Joan and Jean asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral home with them and I said I didn’t want to remember Durward that way so I did not go with them to the viewing.) 

Dad flew to Atlanta without me and by the time he arrived, mom was incoherent and likely didn’t know if anyone was there with her or not. At least, that’s what I have told myself for 50 years. And that’s the part I have struggled with…did she know I wasn’t there? The fact was, I wasn’t there. 

Instead, on January 21^st, I went on my scheduled date with Cindy. I didn’t say anything to her about mom until I took her home when I said, “it may be a few days before I see you again….my mom died today.” I have never asked her what she thought of me after she had a chance to let that comment sink in. Did she think…what kind of guy would go out on a date the night his mother died? She had not met my dad yet and I had not talked about him or mom before that night. 

The next day dad and I headed to Owensville to start the process of putting mom to rest over the following few days. When I returned home a few days later, I quickly had a new impression of your mom. 

Even though we had dated less than 2 weeks, we had been friends for over 5 years. Cindy and I had been classmates in school since the start of 7^th grade. We were in EVERY class together in 7^th and 8^th grade, along with about 25 other kids. Because of that, that group of kids became very close friends, spending every school hour together for 2 years. As we moved on to high school, we were no longer always in the same classes but that group of kids continued our close friendship. I was dating other girls and your mom was dating other boys, but we were still friends. Then in January of senior year we started dating each other. And after only our second date, and returning home from Owensville, Cindy had sealed our relationship, in my mind. For when I got home, there was a card stuck under the windshield wiper of my car. It was a sympathy card from Cindy to me. As I read the card, I immediately said to myself…this is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I had never had that feeling about any girl before. 

Decisions. 

I made a decision to not go see my mom in her last days. Your mom made a decision to leave me a sympathy card for the loss of my momma. I made a decision that I wanted to be with her from that day forward. And I have been. 

Decisions. 

We make a lot of them, some good, some not so good. All of them are a part of shaping our lives. Some of them change your life, forever.

REMEMBER: Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.

Be talkin’ to ya.
Dad

STRUGGLES.....and LOVE

Girls

My thoughts today are on our 3 big kids…no not you, you’re our biggest kids. Eleanor, Liam and Ruby are our three little kids. No, I’m thinking of Anna, Mason and Owen. 

We had a good time last night watching Owen playing basketball, a nail biter of a game. He played well but I know at the same time he is fighting internal struggles...just like Anna...and just like Mason. The three of them are at that stage of life where they are trying to find themselves. What do they want to do, and how do they get there? We want their picture to be clearer than what it is, but we realize we can’t control all of that. It will happen, when it happens.

I think back to my teen years and the challenges I battled. My mom and her issues, my dad and how I idolized him and was angry with him at the same time. Our lack of money. Our living conditions. My geeky body. It was all self-pity. Only as I got older did I realize those battles I faced, and the many scars they created, were mostly self-inflicted. And I realized those battles and scars made me a better person for having gone through them. I was so self-absorbed I didn’t take into consideration that mom had no control over how she was…and that dad was doing the best he could. I didn’t take note of the love that they both had for me as well as the support my siblings (who were often my co-parents) had for me. They wanted the best for me, encouraged me, and praised me, but not until I was older and a little wiser did I realize it and learned to appreciate what they did for me and recognize the battles they were facing of their own at the same time. 

The same thing will happen for Anna, Mason and Owen. They will eventually find their way. And when they get older, they will realize the struggles they have faced, are facing and will face were all a part of the growing-up phase of life. It will make them better people, more empathetic, more accepting, more loving. They will realize and recognize the love and support that was always there for them from their family and they will give it back to those who gave it to them and even be willing to share it with others. 

We are always a parent. Just as our parents worried about us, we worried about you girls growing up, and we still worry now. You worry for your children as well. As grandparents, we worry about your children (our grandchildren) too. Parenting never stops.

Love from family helped pull me through. I hope and believe you feel it helped pull you girls through, and it will pull your children through too.  

Love. It’s a powerful thing.

REMEMBER: Learning what you don’t want to do is the next best thing to figuring out what you do want to do.

Be talkin’ to ya.
Dad

 

January 1, 1972

Girls
 
Fifty years ago, I was at a party at my friend, Byron Haflich’s, house, along with about 30-40 classmates and friends. My high school class, for the most part, seemed to be a close group that were also friends with the other classes, and it was pretty common to have BIG parties. On this night, Byron’s parents were not home and it was a good reason to have a party at his house. Of course, part of the celebration was that it was New Year’s Day, but for my group of about 10 close guy friends, it was also for celebrating my birthday.
 
I even got a gift from the guys. Well, I say that lightly because I’m not sure it was from the group. My friend Mark Morgan gave me an 8-track player for my car. Mark worked at Schmitt Auto, a car parts store in Vincennes and he bought the 8-track player there. As he gave it to me, he said “we all pitched in to buy you a new 8-track player.” Knowing Mark as I do now, I’m guessing he bought it with his own money but wanted to give credit to the other guys, to make them feel good and to make me feel good that it was coming from everyone. As a back-story, 8-track players were the cool thing to have in your car in those days and I had had one, but someone broke into my car on prom night of my junior year and stole it. So, Mark was being kind and replacing my stolen one. Mark was a good guy.
 
Meanwhile at the party, while lots of folks were milling around the house, partying, I was at the dinner table with 3 other guys playing euchre. Several other people were standing around the table watching us and rooting us on and one of our classmates, Cindy Irvin, was looking over my shoulder and said at one point, “I don’t understand this game, so I don’t know how to play it.” I pulled up a chair and told her to sit down by me and I’d teach her how to play.
 
The night went on into the wee hours. Most of our gang of 10 and a few stragglers stayed overnight at Byron’s. Cindy and the other 40-or-so people went home at some point.
 
The next Saturday, January 8, another party broke out, this time at Lucy McGiffin’s house, which was out on the edge of town. Again, her parents were gone so….party time. Again, lots of folks, lots of mingling, and eventually 4 of us sitting at a table playing euchre. Sure enough, Cindy Irvin is there and I spot her and ask her to sit down by me and I’ll teach her some more about euchre. As the night is beginning to wind down for some, Jimmy Miller comes running into the house to say, “Ruth Obermeyer just ran over herself.” We all ran out into the yard and it had gotten very foggy out. There were lots of cars out in the front yard and while trying to back out and get her car in the driveway to leave, Ruth opened her car door to lean out to make sure she wasn’t going to hit anyone’s car, and she fell out and her car kept rolling and the front wheel ran over her leg. We called for an ambulance and they came and got her, among a yard full of cars, and took her to the hospital. Why there weren’t any police officers that came along I’m not sure, but we were happy because we would all have been in deep doo-doo. While we were standing outside watching the action, I had my coat on and Cindy didn’t, so I did the ‘gentlemanly’ thing and took my coat off and put it around her. It hung on her like I had put a 5-XXX jacket on her…but I thought I was cool. The party began to wrap up shortly after 'the Ruth thing' but before I left, I asked Miss Irvin if she would like to go out on a date the next Saturday. I was so excited when she said, 'sure'.
 
I don’t think we talked much to each other at school during the week, probably as I was nervous and stupid and worried she might change her mind…but on Saturday, January 15, 1972, I picked her up for our first date and we had a great night together, going to see movie and driving around the main drag seeing all our friends. As I took her home, I asked if she’d like to go out the next Friday, and as fate would have it…she said YES.

That...was the start.  50 years ago!

Be talkin' to ya.

Dad